Coming to terms with your feelings after miscarriage
Every miscarriage is unique; so there is no right or wrong way to feel about it. Below I have put together some ways to help you understand how to come to terms with your feelings after miscarriage and to help you and your partner cope with the loss.
Is it normal to feel this way?
Having a miscarriage can be a very traumatic experience. For some women it causes a great sadness and an overwhelming feeling of loss; while others can be upset for a while then seem to recover quite quickly.
Depending on your circumstances and what the pregnancy meant and your miscarriage experience will determine how you feel.
You may have experienced an earlier loss or more than one and maybe this pregnancy was particularly special to you.
You may be concerned about your chances of conceiving again; or about miscarrying again and dealing with another loss if you do. You may be feeling exhausted and drained after a very difficult miscarriage.
There are many factors that will affect how you feel about your miscarriage and how long it will take to for you to move on.
But it is quite normal to feel any or all of these:
• Sad and tearful
• Shocked and confused
• Guilty or ashamed
• Empty and lonely
• Panicky and out of control
•Finding it difficult to let go
•Unable to deal with everyday life
You may feel your loss in physical ways, even some time after the miscarriage. This can include:
• Feeling very tired
• Suffering from headaches or stomach pains
• shortness of breath
• Finding it hard to sleep – or over sleeping
These issues will more than likely disappear in time, but always consult your GP if you are concerned.
A special sort of grief, miscarriage can feel like a different kind of loss. It’s not like grieving for someone you knew.
Instead you might mourn the loss of your baby’s future and your own future as that baby’s parent, This can be difficult for others to understand and relate to.
The physical effects of miscarriage – especially the pain and bleeding – can also increase your sadness and fear at the time.
In addition to this there may be further problems that add to your distress and make it difficult to move forward. These include
continued bleeding, exhaustion and the need for further tests and treatment. At the same time you may be concerned
about the future. Will you manage to get pregnant again – and what will happen next time?
Why do I feel like this?
Shouldn’t I be over it by now?’
‘Are my feelings normal?
‘Why do I feel so bad when others have suffered more than me?’
These are common questions Women often ask after miscarriage. But there are no hard and fast rules about how you should feel after miscarriage.
And there is not a set of rules that say some experiences of miscarriages are less upsetting than others. We all react
in our own way.
Even a very early miscarriage can lead to strong feelings of loss.
If you felt very attached to your baby as soon as you knew you were pregnant, you are likely to be very upset if
Perhaps you knew your baby had died but it took some time before you actually miscarried. You might feel very sad,
but also relieved that the uncertainty and waiting are over. Even if you didn’t really want to get pregnant, you
may still feel very upset.
You may want to do something to remember your baby
The following suggests ways to create some sort of remembrance for you lost baby, I hope it helps you come to terms with your loss. I believe it also will be an important part of your grieving process.
Most people want to do something special to remember their baby or help them say goodbye. You may want to find out what your hospital can offer
I especially wanted to write this to help you as when I experienced the loss of my son after my wife’s miscarriage the hospital did not offer us any help with the loss or offer us ant way to remember little Kevin he was just taken away and nothing more was said.
I never knew what happened to him and they never said what they do with babies after miscarriage. There was no funeral and no remembrance of this little boy they were very cold and surgical during the whole event. This happened in the eighties and I hope things have changed since then.
Here are some suggestions on how to remember your Baby
- If the miscarriage was early but you had a scan first, you may be able to get the scan picture.
- After a late miscarriage (from about 15 weeks), staff in the hospital may offer to take photos of the baby and hand or footprints. If you can’t face these at the time, they can keep them in case you want them later.
- Some hospitals offer a memorial certificate or card after a miscarriage.
- Can we know the baby’s sex? This is sometimes possible, but usually only after late miscarriages. Sometimes tests after recurrent miscarriage may how whether the last baby was a boy or a girl.
- What about a blessing for the baby? You may be able to get the hospital chaplain to hold a short service or saya prayer for your baby. Or you could ask a representative of your own faith. Some hospitals arrange regular services of remembrance for babies who have miscarried or died.
- What else can we do? You may find some of these ideas helpful
- Ask whether the hospital has a book of remembrance, where your baby’s details can be recorded;
- Find out whether there is a local garden of remembrance, where you could arrange a personal memorial
- Make a donation to a favorite charity
- Write a letter or poem to your baby
- Write a message to add to our virtual forget-me-not meadow at the miscarriage association.
For the complete guide conceiving after miscarriage click here